I chatted with my friend Alex Sheppard for Tao Lin’s contest re Richard Yates, his forthcoming novel. If I’m not disqualified, I should get a free copy of Tao Lin’s new book.
1. RICHARD YATES CONTEST
Marshall: i’m afraid of getting “disqualified”
Alex: for what?
Marshall: from the contest
Alex: fuck
Marshall: for being “off-topic” or something
Alex: fuck
this is too hard
fuck
Marshall: don’t worry
if we fuck it up, it’s okay
“it’s better to fail than to succeed”
ha
Alex: fucking contests
Marshall: fuck it, dude
fuck
Alex: i feel stupid
Marshall: it’s okay
i don’t know
Alex: Richard Yates is an author. yes?
Marshall: yeah
his most famous books are “revolutionary road” and something else
Alex: why is his name the title?
Marshall: “the easter parade”
umm. tao lin has talked about it in a couple places.
i guess richard yates is mentioned a few times in the book
and it’s kind of a “non sequitur” i guess
i remember reading an interview where he said that it would make him feel good to look back on his oeuvre and see that he wrote a book called richard yates
Alex: ha
Marshall: he likes richard yates, i guess
Alex: that’s cool
Marshall: yeah
i liked that
revolutionary road was made into a movie
that one guy is in it
gilbert grape
leonardo dicaprio
Alex: Inception
Marshall: i saw that last week
seemed cool
Alex: theaters?
Marshall: yeah
it’s in theaters
theatres
Alex: was at the pictures
Marshall: what
Alex: pichers
Marshall: what
ha
what the fuck
pitchers
what’s happening
Alex: wat?
book review
fuck
Marshall: what
was at the pictures
Alex: inception was at the pictures
Marshall: pichers
Alex: pichers
Marshall: what is the pictures
Alex: theaters
Marshall: oh
Alex: movies
Marshall: fuck
okay
this is fucked
Alex: we fail
Marshall: fuck
tao lin
richard yates
tao lin
richard yates
haley joel osment
Alex: dakota
manning
Marshall: fanning
Alex: eli manning
tao lin
Marshall: i want to type “haley joel osmond”
Alex: yeah me too
2. FREE COPY OF RICHARD YATES
Marshall: why do you deserve a free book, alex?
(this is the “hard ball” question)
Alex: I like free shit
when i was a kid I would call the bosley hair treatment hotlines from tv so i could get sent free info packets
Marshall: info about hair treatment?
Alex: yeah
going bald
i just wanted a free VHS
Marshall: i think i emailed some church to get free cassette tapes
they had sermons or some shit on them
Alex: I feel like I’m going to read Richard Yates
I don’t really plan on paying for it
Marshall: ha
you’ll read the book?
Alex: yeah
Marshall: if i got a free copy, i think i’d read the book, too
Alex: we really only need one copy
you could mail it to me when you’re done
Marshall: yeah
fuck
Alex: or you could read the whole thing aloud
you could read a chapter or so every night and post it somewhere
Marshall: i’ll just record it on your voice mail
Alex: I could just listen to you reading it
Marshall: yeah
is tao lin the “voice of our generation”
(“controversial” question)
Alex: hmmmmm
definitely
Marshall: most definitely?
Alex: yeah
mos def
3. NEGATIVE REVIEWS OF RICHARD YATES
Alex: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7665458-richard-yates
Marshall: let”s just talk about richard yates now
Alex: read ed’s comment
ed gave it one star
do you think ed actually read it?
Marshall: seems unlikely
“The rating is not a mistake. “
he gave a virginia woolf book 5 stars
Alex: hmmmm
interesting ed
Marshall: bearfish gave it 4/5
i guess it was “good,” but not “great”
Alex: 4/5 seems reasonable
I feel like I’m going to give it a 3.8
out of 5
Marshall: if you were going to do a pitchfork review of richard yates, what do you think you would give it?
Alex: 3.8 x 2
Marshall: 7.6?
Alex: no
maybe higher than that
8.4
Marshall: so, wavves/best-coast caliber
Alex: yeah
Marshall: damn
i would give it the score of a mos def album
Alex: i thought his last album got ‘panned’
Marshall: maybe
4. RICHARD YATES COVER
Alex: What do you think the cover ‘symbolizes’?
Marshall: i don’t know
Alex: I think it’s probably something to do with angst
Marshall: it symbolizes man’s struggle with breathing under water
Alex: releasing a sea of inner turmoil
Marshall: it represents pearls of wisdom pried out of someone’s clam-face like teeth
Alex: that’s not a clam man
Marshall: that’s not a clam man?
Alex: clam-man
Marshall: i’m not a clam-man; i’m a clam, man.
Alex: who is the mysterious ‘bro’ on the cover
Marshall: i remember someone saying it’s rick moody
but that doesn’t seem possible
Alex: rick moody?
Marshall: rick moody wrote garden state
starring the scrubs bro
and natalie portman
Alex: that cover bro has curly auburn hair
possibly
Marshall: who is the clam-man
who is the clam-man
Alex: enter clam-man
the clam man cometh
Marshall: ha
i’m trying to think of another one and i can’t
Alex: shit
Marshall: “silence of the clams,” “spiderclam,” “planet of the clams”
what the fuck, marshall
Alex: wtf mm
Marshall: use your fucking brain, marshall
richard yates seems like it has the potential to “blow up”
maybe this will be tao lin’s “break-through hit”
Alex: I bet he gets interviewed on NPR
Marshall: mos def
fucking npr
fuck npr
michelle norris
rob segal
Alex: terry gross
Marshall: talk of the nation
fresh air
garrison keiler
Alex: terry gross will interview him
fuck garrison keiler
Marshall: they’ll ask tao questions like… “how does it feel to be the ‘voice of a generation’?”
Alex: no, “many people have called you the voice of a generation”
apathy
Marshall: “tao, how do you respond to ppl who call you a ‘modern-day james franco’?”
5. TAO LIN’S DEPRESSION
Alex: is Tao Lin depressed?
Marshall: he doesn’t seem that depressed
i think he used to be more depressed
Alex: Tao Lin on Oprah
Tao Lin in rehab
Tao Lin in Jail
Lindsey Lohan in jail
Marshall: he’ll probably go on oprah to talk about his secret eating disorder
i like “Tao Lin in Jail / Lindsey Lohan in jail”
Alex: Tao Lin sex tape
Marshall: i think that exists
i’m torrenting it
Alex: shit
Marshall: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?pid=45130724&id=819210
can you see that
Alex: no
Marshall: fuck
Alex: is that one of those things that brings you to your own profile
and you’re supposed to be like wtf, how the how
Marshall: i don’t think so
what
Alex: ‘one if those things’ should be replaced with ‘a url’
Marshall: http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/7100/27987018772502098192104.jpg
there
Alex: weird
Marshall: it was screened at sxsw, i guess
Alex: i wanted to find the new geek squad commercial. there’s a ‘geek’ they show for 1-2 seconds that looks like Tao Lin
Marshall: geek
cool
Alex: the ‘geek squad’ aren’t really geeks
Marshall: they are “fake geeks”?
actors playing geeks?
professionals?
Alex: yeah they’re all really good looking
I can’t really imagine another person reading this
Marshall: yeah, this is fucked
6. SHIT-TALKING ABOUT TAO LIN
Marshall: talk some shit about tao lin
say something bad
Alex: There the one part in SFAA wher sam is rolling around in the grass or some shit right?
Marshall: in florida?
Alex: yeah
and he starts throwing the bottle of juice with someone right?
Marshall: yeah, something like that
Alex: and the juice breaks
Marshall: yeah
Alex: ?
Marshall: i think so
Alex: I didn’t like that part
Marshall: damn
Alex: I would have been pissed off it someone broke my juice while they were fuckin around with it
Marshall: totes
it didn’t seem like anyone got mad
Alex: I would have slapped a fool and said walk to the whole foods and get me some more juice
Marshall: that’s why you’re a boss
rick ross
Alex: that part made me angry
Marshall: ha
Alex: I was like aren’t you gonna get him more juice
what the fuck
that’s fucked up
Marshall: that is fucked up
you’re right
buy the man some fucking replacement juice
Alex: shit
that’s the problem with this generation
no respect
Marshall: they break juice bottles
a juice bottle is not a toy, tao lin
it’s not a football
Alex: Tao Lin actin a fool, rollin around in some grass, breakin peoples juice
Marshall: if he broke my juice, i would expect new juice
Alex: I’m just sayin
that would be common courtesy
pottery barn rule
Marshall: you break it
you buy new juice
Alex: you break a man’s juice, looks like you just bought a man’s juice
Marshall: word is bond
i think the pottery barn rule is from the code of hommerabi
hommurabi
Alex: i don’t think that’s how you spell it
is that how you spell it
Marshall: reading SFAA, i thought “tao lin has mad game.” were you impressed by his game?
Alex: yes defintely impressed by his game.
Marshall: girls dropping their panties and shit
Alex: When he’s rolling in the grass he gets that girl to roll in the grass and the other dude says he can’t believe Tao got her to do that
Marshall: he jumps over a hedge and then she jumps over the hedge
right?
Alex: i dont remember that part
Marshall: maybe i made that up
:/
Alex: I remember the part where him and a girl are sitting down and one of them says something about running at eachother to do an epic high 5 and she gets up to do it and Tao Lin’s like bitch please. sit your ass down. Its better to think about that shit not to actually do it
Marshall: ha
yeah
he laid down the law
“i’m not doing that shit.” -tao lin
Alex: Then Tao Lin fingerbangs her
in the Jamba Juice
Marshall: yeah
Alex: bathroom
Marshall: in the bathroom
then he washes his hands
Alex: Then she asks if Tao Lin has any condoms and Tao Lin says bitch are you crazy, I’m celebate
Marshall: yeah
he was shutting em down
such an ice queen
Alex: Do you want to write Taosploitation novels
Marshall: damn
taosploitation
that seems good
is it like tao fan fiction?
Alex: yeah
Marshall: tao lin taking upskirt pictures on his iphone at am appy
Alex: Tao Lin selling coke
Marshall: tao lin becomes a male escort
writer by day, gay-for-pay boy toy by night
Alex: directed by Gus Van Sant
Marshall: damn
straight-to-DVD
drugstore tao-boy
Alex: Tao Lin raping no0bs in prison
Marshall: ha
noobs?
Alex: ‘drugstore tao-boy’
Marshall: i haven’t seen that movie
Alex: me either
Marshall: oh
7. RICHARD YATES’ FORMSPRING
Marshall: what do you think of this: http://www.formspring.me/richardyates/q/683152159
Alex: First I was like “df”/”hjo”?
then i was like fuck
I would watch that movie
Marshall: would you “watch the shit” out of that movie?
Alex: mos def i would watch the fuck out of it
Marshall: follow-up: would you go to the midnight showing dressed as haley joel, or would you just “redbox that shit” 6 months after its release
(or dressed as dakota fanning)
Alex: I would torrent that shit dressed as Haley Joel Osment 3-5 weeks after the release
Marshall: ah
you chose the “fill in the blank” response
Alex: yeah
maverick shit
Marshall: damn
how hard do you think tao lin works?
A. writes idly ~30 minutes a day between masturbation sessions and writing emails
B. pays zachary german $8 an hour to ghostwrite his shit
C. on his grizzly like 24/7
D. choose your own adventure
Alex: Tao Lin is a highly skilled computer programmer. He is written a program that autogenerates books/blog posts
nah i made that up
Marshall: damn
via the alt report robot?
(maybe it would have been funnier if i said “jordan castro” instead of “zachary german”)
Alex: I bet he’s on that grizzly
Marshall: ah
Alex: just fix it post
Marshall: ha
that’s how i do
i’ll just fix it in post
photoshop that shit
autotune that shit
Alex: in post i meant in post
Marshall: On the 7th day, God said: “I’ll just fix it in post.”
[via the bible]
Alex: via Genesis via Phil Collins
Marshall: mos def
richard yates
will there be a reader’s digest version
once it drops
Alex: say what?
Marshall: will there be a reader’s digest version of richard yates?
Alex: woah
Marshall: what
Alex: Melville House is currently ‘in-talks’ with Reader’s Digest. At the moment it seems ‘likely’ that ‘ry’ will be available in ‘reader’s digest form’ through ‘readers disgest’ online. negotiations are still underway for inclusion in print version however this seems unlikely at the moment
Marshall: seems informative
damn
Alex: damn son
dim sung
dim sum
Marshall: sun tzu
Alex: lao tzu
shitzu
Marshall: luo ping
liu kang
8. RICHARD YATES SPOILERS
Alex: do you think i will feel depressed after reading ‘ry’
Marshall: you will feel “emotional” and maybe “sad,” but not necessarily “depressed”
Alex: will i feel ‘detached’
Marshall: umm
yeah
Alex: will I feel ‘inspired’
Marshall: it will be like you just finished watching magnolia for the first time
Alex: yeah
that sounds right
Marshall: you will be like
“what the fuck”
“that’s it”
“richard yates”
“damn”
then you will cry a single tear
Alex: that’s what one of the ‘reviewers’ said
about ‘wtf’
Marshall: “where did those frogs come from”
(spoiler alert)
this is the time in our chat where we reveal spoilers from the book
we call this segment “SPOILER ALERT”
w/ alex and marshall
when you hear the spoiler alert (Bwooooooooh Bwooooooooh) you know it’s time for SPOILER ALERT
take it away alex
Alex: http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/what-the-fuck-richard-yates-by-brian-mcelmurry/
fuck man
I was literally blown away by ‘ry’
Marshall: has he read the book
you were literally blown
?
Alex: yes literally blown away
the book was shocking
Marshall: electric…?
electric eel meets electric feel?
Alex: I was literally shocked
Marshall: when i finished richard yates, god literally came down from heaven and gave me a tugjob
with his mouth
his beardy mouth
Alex: The whole book is actually a dream inside Richard Yates’ head
Marshall: ha
the whole book takes place in richard yates’ skull
Alex: literally inside his head
Marshall: the last sentence is: “and then haley joel osment woke up and realized he was actually richard yates.”
this literally happens
inside richard yates’ brain
Alex: woah
Marshall: richard yates was dreaming he was a child actor
and then his daughter comes in to his room and jumps up on his bed
and his daughter is dakota fanning
and then the credits for the twilight zone “roll”
Alex: Richard Yates is arrested by the dream police for forceful sodomy, and sex with a minor
Marshall: but he escapes and flees to france to hang out with roman polanski
he enrolls in a graduate film course taught by polanski
woody allen gives a guest lecture
Alex: and he undergoes extensive plastic surgery to become Tao Lin
Marshall: this is the “deus ex machina”
Alex: fuck
Marshall: there is a stem cell research breakthrough that “paves the way” for this frightening new technology
Alex: nanotechnology
Marshall: yeah. it utilized quantum nanotechnology
and is powered by nuclear fusion
and microscopic black holes
Alex: molecular nuclear fusion
Marshall: yeah. that’s what it’s called.
then tao lin starts to write a book called “tao lin” and it gets meta
Alex: Tao Lin escapes into his own dreams [via Inception]
Marshall: yeah. that was a mindfuck.
i was like “what just happened”
Alex: I was like: “What the Fuck, Richard Yates?” by Brian McElmurry
Marshall: tao lin in tao lin’s dream sequence is played by leonardo dicaprio
he is played by leonardo dicaprio played by bill murray
Alex: Dakota Fanning undergoes surgery to become Juno
Marshall: and she is pregnant with tao lin’s baby
Alex: Tao Lin’s baby is the reincarnated soul of Richard Yates
Marshall: tao lin tries to pressure her into getting an abortion and move with him to the suburbs
they discuss this while listening to a leak of “The Suburbs” by the arcade fire
Alex: Tao Lin has to go into Dakota Fanning as Juno’s head to battle the soul of Richard Yates/Tao Lin’s Baby
Marshall: they fight via an MC battle a la 8 mile, which is a metaphor for their literal fight to the death
they are literally fighting to the death metaphorically with rhyming words and disses
Alex: Tao Lin raps soley using morris code
Marshall: morris code
lol
Alex: to convey the message to the outside to blow up the body of Juno
Marshall: oh fuck
the only person there to receive the message is Juno herself
so she is forced to commit suicide
she covers herself in gasoline and burns her sexy pregnant body to carbon ash
Alex: “and then haley joel osment woke up and realized he was actually richard yates.”
Marshall: he realizes now that he was richard yates all along
and that, in fact, we are all richard yates
in a way
then the camera pans out
and we see tao lin is in bed with haley joel osment
they kiss and the screen goes black
Alex: fuck
Marshall: the end…?
everyone sits and watches the trailers
there is a standing ovation
they sit back down
i mean the credits
after the credits, there is a trailer for the sequel
Alex: wait what?
Marshall: there is a standing ovation
everyone sits down to watch the credits
after the credits, there is a teaser for the sequel
Alex: oh shit
Marshall: Richard Yates 2
